October 31, 2011

Life of a covert stammer

My name is uuu Umesh Rawat and I am a covert stammerer. A covert stammer is who can hide his stammer very well by easy replacing words and by with some other techniques(coughing, i just forgot hmmm..) . But at sometime, all of his techniques failed and he caught red handed. And this is most embarrassing movement for him. Since childhood, I also hide my stammering from everyone as possible I can do. Even my family members don’t know about this (as I think, except my mom). But sometime when I stuck badly in some situations, I found myself helpless. I shocked badly like as by electric current and my memory erased. I don’t realize where I am standing and on what content I was talking? This was my previous life around one year ago. I seemed happy to people and they thought I am a good listener with shy personality. There was big difference in my inner and outer thoughts. I was completely a different person in my inner. I always fight with my own words. This word is right, this is wrong. There was never a peace inside myself. I always tried not to stutter at any cost. Being "covert" is
  • Having excessive fear of being perceived by others to have a difference in the way they speak
  • Constantly fearing their "stuttering secret" being uncovered
  • Feeling guilty for making the listener feel uncomfortable because of their stuttering
  • Denying stuttering or the need to work on it
  • Feeling shame, devaluating oneself, or fostering the need to hide stuttering
After attending few TISA workshops, I feel deep changes in my inner and few in outer. 
  •  Now I can talk on stammering to anyone  freely. I enjoy talking on stammering although fluents doesn’t want to talk more on it. 
  • I dosn’t feel so much fear or shame after blockages (although there is more work to do).
  • I reduced switching words in fearing situations. 
  • And most important which I got, the inner struggle with words goes down and a peace in inside.                                     
                        Although many friends of mine tell me that you start to stammer more after attending workshop. How I tell them that my inner struggle goes down which reflects in my outer. Sometime I stutter more and what others can do in it?? I have born to stutter; sometimes I win, sometimes my stutter. Just a matter of time.


sachin said...

Beautiful and very true.
Becoming free of constant fear is the goal, even if we stammer a little.. People often think that covert stutterers dont suffer as much as over stutterers.. but this is not true.

J P Sunda said...

Yes Umesh, sometimes such negative feedback can make us GO BACK to trying to hide our stammer! but its good that you can see that an increase in your stammering is also a sign of progress.

sachin said...

Yes, the GREAT DESIRE to be accepted by the "Normal" world is our BIGGEST abnormality!
If we could just accept ourself as we are, we will be the happiest person- no struggles, no regrets, - everything will be "normal" then..

deepak said...

Last lines are touchy and very true.

"I have born to stutter; sometimes I win, sometimes my stutter. Just a matter of time."

kumar kundan said...

The change that u brought about HIDING to OPENING MOUTH is worth praising....
I agree with sachin sir;moreover what we lack most is to maintain our changed outlook over stammering....we need to be open with more and more peoples!