November 12, 2012

Morning Walk @ 3 AM

Many months ago i went to a pyschiatric and he told me to start morning walk . So i woke up at 6 am and went to park and found there were so many people so i came back . Next day i woke up at 5 am and again people were there so i again came back . Next day i woke at 4 am and oh my god still few people are there . Finally i woke at 3 am and founded that nobody was there and then i started my morning walk . And from then i used to go for morning walk daily at 3 am and did it for a month . After that i dropped the idea of morning walk because of my laziness .

Stammering has changed my over all psycology . Sometime i ask myself -- Gorav Datta is having stammering or Stammering is having Gorav Datta . Come on now i am about to be of 25 years in just few days. When will i wake up and fight for myself . Why am i so scared and feel intense shame and guilt day after day , hours after hours .

Now am so used to my lonelyness and even if soneone tries to be my friend or tries to help me out i simply say leave me alone .May be this darkness seems to be so familiar . May be i am born to be lived in darknessss foreverrrr n everrrr ...

I used to think of comitting suicide and when i told that to my father i got a very tight slap on my face :(

Now after going for Vipassna now i know that if u commit suicide i will be immediately send back to this world and my new life will be according to my emotions or thought at the time of  my death . This means new life will even more worse than this .
Now neither i am enjoying being alive nor i can die . Lets see were my life will end .

Just Breathing Is Not Living

~~ Happy diwali to all ~~


sachin said...

Good Gorav! Let it all come out of your heart and brain. THEN, there will be space for new thoughts..
So, keep talking and sharing with hundreds of people out there, who may be on the same journey..and hwo may take courage from your posts..
Happy Deepawali, to you, family and friends..

Harish Usgaonker said...

Gorav, it requires a real courage to share all this. It feels much better when you share.

Keep marching on this journey... It will unfold itself to become a beautiful story, full of lessons and wisdom to carry with you :)