Monster inside My Head!!

My name is Rajesh Bhandari. I am 20 years old and was born in Dehradun, India. My stuttering began when I was ten years old. As far as I remember, my speech was fluent until I came in the fifth grade. I didn’t receive early therapy as a kid. I cannot recall any major difficulties because of my speech until I entered the 10th grade when I was around 15 years. I had a lot of friends and enjoyed thoroughly in my school life. But still as, I reflect on my early years, I do have many regrets.

1,00,000

As the site meter rolls to 1,00,000 mark, I would like to look back and share some thoughts.
First of all, I wish to thank ALL the contributors. All the READERS too! And all those who left behind a comment, even though it was "such a hassle"!
Like any other stammerer, I suffered a lot of self-doubts (is it worthwhile?) when I began three years ago- but today, so many friends and colleagues have joined this movement that I have no doubts about it: we have a community based on common interest and goals. We are no more alone. This is our one big collective achievement. Let me share some highlights:

These are the pages which have received maximum hits between 2009 May – 2011 June:

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2009/01/tisa-delhi-contacts.html (637)

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2011/02/3-day-tisa-communication-workshop-in.html (301)

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2010/02/stammering-stars.html (247)

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2011/05/upcoming-communication-workshop.html (214)

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2008/05/running-self-help-groups-support-groups.html (190)

http://t-tisa.blogspot.com/2010/10/nainital-hc-issues-notices-to-golmaal-3.html (140)

We received valuable referrals from stammer.in, thestutteringbrain.blogspot.com, Google search, Facebook and blogs of TISA friends like Shorn, Amit and others. We had most visits from within India but there were visitors from other countries too: United States, Italy, Pakistan, New Zealand, United Kingdom, Thailand, Asia/pacific Region, Canada, Australia, Brazil, Portugal, Romania, Qatar, Russian Federation, Nigeria etc.

Here are the stats:

Year	Page Loads	Unique Visits	First Time Visits	Returning Visits
May 2008	3,014	1,822	1,400	422
2009	17,708	10,133	6,816	3,317
2010	46,758	23,410	13,816	9,594
2011 June	32,497	16,252	7,754	8,498

A little later (Sep 2009), I started our Youtube channel. It has a collection of 75 stammering related videos. So far the three most popular videos have been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QU-Dsqjw-0k (Dr Tarun’s Interview)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cfTBDFl-A8 (Tisa Documentary, made by Raja Bhattacharjee, Chennai)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iz4N72I8GgY (JP’s interview)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2huMpNWZrR4 (Sanjib’s Interview on “Cure”)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcaUJDI-J_4 (Pramendra’s Interview)

Most of the viewers of the video channel are adults and adolescents:

There are women too, about 17%:

So, now looking back, I think, the one big step forward was: we became more open as a community and began writing about stammering on a public blog. Many IPWS started their own blogs and felt 'whole' and strong in the process. Second big gain was- we developed networks of friendship and support. Our friend circle suddenly jumped up. I got to know some very interesting, committed and wonderful people like Mr Manimaran and his friends in Chennai; and many more friends in other towns- too many to capture in a blog post.

So what more needs to be done? I think, we can be more proactive and have an “opinion” on things that matter- and also on things that don’t matter. After all we are supposed to be different than “things”. More alive and kicking.And women who stammer should also be encouraged to write, meet and participate.

Let me conclude by thanking all of you out there- and my colleagues in the board, JP and Nitin for having made this movement possible- and quote part of a post, representing TISA ethos:

Today we went to a school for screening of young boys, looking for any child with any kind of speech impediment especially stammering..As the boys were introducing themselves, I saw a young boy struggling with his speech and when it was my & Parmanand's turn to introduce ourselves, we bounced a bit. I could see a hint of smile on his face after our introductions..Soon after the introductions as we get prepared to play a game, the same young boy surprised me. He came up to me and said in very sweet and innocent voice - "Sir, you speak like me"..

A Prince who stutters

My cousin brother Parlhad is here for his summer vacations. He is 14 years old, studying in 9th standard and he too stammers! (TOO ? who else stammers ?? I too stammer :-). He read Izabella ( link) and then both of us shared it with the whole family by bouncing and stammering beautifully and fluently. After this, we went out for a walk where I bounced with two individuals to show Parlhad that its OK to stammer. I know it will take him much more time to really FEEL that its OK to stammer, but it was amazing to see both of us stutter shouting openly in our house. We also asked our family members to stop giving advices like take a deep breath, feel confident, speak slowly, as these don't help :-) . Most importantly we had FUN!

My Quest for Fluency

Ever since I realized that I had disfluency in my speech, I have been craving to find fluency. And thus began an endless journey- a quest for fluency!

The first time I was introduced to formal speech therapy was when I was 10. A relative recommended a speech therapist practicing at the Goa Medical College, a government medical college and hospital. My parents took me to the therapist. The therapist wanted to hear me talk, and asked me to describe my daily activities after I get up from my bed. As I did so, I remember, I hardly had any blocks. The therapist then asked me to stiffen my hands, legs, tongue, jaw and neck muscles, as he demonstrated. He told my parents that my I.Q. level was high and that I tend to think faster than I talk, leading to stuttering. He prescribed that I do those muscle stiffening exercises every morning. I did those exercises for a few days on my own, and for a few more days due to my parent’s coaxing. But the blocks and the repeating words didn’t reduce.

Three years later (at 13) our family doctor recommended another speech therapists in a private hospital. This speech therapist was a young girl in her late 20s, and told my parents that a therapy cannot be possible with just one sitting (referring to our previous failed therapy), but has to be continuous for a period of time. She called me for an hour-long sitting every Saturday. She taught me a few techniques like talking one syllable at a time, by tapping fingers. She made me do story-telling with her techniques. As homework she told me to keep a paper with me and every time I stuttered keep a tally of the same on this paper, separately for each day. She then assessed this paper on Saturday during the sitting. I had a tough time maintaining this tally, as my classmates in school began to pin-point- “You just stuttered, but you didn’t add it on that paper! You are cheating!” It also made me over-conscious about my stutter. I tried speaking while tapping my fingers, but many a times I got carried away with the blocks and forgot that I had to tap my fingers.

It was during my initial days of college that stammering really began to bother me and affect my personality. My next stop in search of fluency landed me to Partha Bagchi of the Stammering Cure Centre fame in Bangalore. I have mentioned about my experiences here in detail in my previous post. I attended a 15-day crash course conducted by Partha Bagchi. For a while, I could gain some control on my stammering. But in a few months time, the relapse occurred which lead to a feeling of resentment towards my stammering.

During Partha Bagchi’s course we were told that the fact that we stammer is imbibed in our sub-conscious mind, and when that thought is replaced by thoughts which are contrary, then stammering would automatically disappear. I then read about Hypnotherapy as an effective way to give suggestions to sub-conscious mind. I went to a Hypnotherapist named Mr. Rajsingh Sawant in Kolhapur (Maharashtra). He had advertised 100% cure for stammering on newspapers. I had several seatings with him for 2 days- but to no gain.

Then there was a 2-day workshop on self-hypnosis and hypnotherapy by Dr. Sajan Galani in Goa. He promised to teach us a lot of things like gaining full control on one’s sub-conscious mind, winning people’s mind, finding answers to one’s problem through hypnotherapy and even go back to our previous lives and not to forget- 100% cure for stammering. I participated in that 2-day workshop. During the workshop, he had a hypnosis session with me, in which he ‘hypnotized’ me with his suggestions that I am a very good public speaker, and I can speak very well. He insisted that I should buy his audio cassettes of suggestions and hear it as I practice self-hypnosis for a few weeks and my stammering would be gone! I bought the cassettes and tried self-hypnosis for a few weeks. But when it really mattered, everything seemed to fail!

The thing that finally worked for me is the time when I stopped chasing fluency, and started working on my attitude and mindset. With acceptance, the hurt associated with stammering started to melt down. Instead of focussing on fluency, I started to focus on speaking effectively with my stammer, and life seemed to be better. I began to think that it’s okay to stammer… as long as I have been able to convey my message. And when I took this path, I slowly noticed that I was beginning to manage my stammering quite more effectively, than what I was able to do while trying to be fluent.

Stammering - the new buzz in town

Just a cool way to make any town talk about stammering..and for a livelihood too..

Mobile: 8089619366
Email : shaunjacob1986@gmail.com
Blog : http://isstutter.blogspot.com/

Its gonna be six months

Its gonna be six months since Sachin Sir told me, "If you can post once every week, I assure you, you will notice a sea change in yourself in six months!".
(on my blog)

Today i stand , with openness about my stammer and facing my stammer. It has indeed literally been a sea change for me. Today, I don't think of a tomorrow where i am not a PWS. I only think of a tomorrow where i can manage my stammer and i am confident i can do it pretty well. I never had the slightest idea in past that i can cope with my stammer and in such a way.

I am dreaming of a future in which self-help groups sprout out in Kerela and wanting to see many enthusiastic kerelite PWS in it.

I also take this oppurtunity to give my well wishes to all TISA family members.

Warm Regards
Shorn Jacob

Mobile: 8089619366
Email : shaunjacob1986@gmail.com
Blog  : isstutter.blogspot.com

The Ice-breaker

Dear Friends, 

Yesterday (16th November), I delivered my first speech (Project 1) in the Goa Toastmaster's Club. It was followed with a pleasant surprise, because it was later announced that I was voted as the best speaker of the day! It gave me a great deal of confidence to start my Toastmaster's career by having voted as the "Best Speaker". I was elated...

It was certainly a confidence booster. I have no words to express my gratitude towards my friends, my friends in TISA, and my fellow members of Toastmasters club for all the encouragement... 

Manohar, you pioneered the way to Toastmaster's. Mr. Jasbir Sandhu you took the same path and showed us that we all can excel in it... You both inspired me in my journey with Toastmasters, which I am now looking forward to continue...

(Speech Video Embedded)

Story of My Commitment

I had told Harish in our SHG meet that I would like to accompany him to the toastmaster’s meeting. I wanted to learn about public speaking and I had learned from TISA blog that toastmaster’s is a club which aims at excelling in public speaking skills.

Here begins the story of my commitments. Commitments, which prevailed despite all hardships brought by Mother Nature, on that heavy rainy day, which Harish has encouraged me to write about.

During our SHG meet, Harish told me to prepare an introduction speech which I will have to deliver there. I began writing my speech on Sunday night itself after our SHG meet. I finished at around mid night that night… just before going to sleep.

Next day, as usual I did all my daily routine. After returning from college I started memorizing the speech. I completed the same that very night. The heavy rain was refusing to stop. It was becoming heavier with gusty winds, day after day.

Finally, it was the day to go to toastmasters club. The rain was only getting heavier. It was pouring from the heavens. The wheather was absolutely unfavorable. As the meeting was scheduled to start at 6:30pm so as usual, I went to college. I told Harish to wait for me near his office at around 5:40pm as my classes would get over at 5pm. Harish had also gone to work. As soon as my classes were over I quickly started my Activa, and sped as much as I could. But the rain wouldn’t give up. It decided to challenge me further. It grew a bit more aggressively heavier. The gusts of the winds were also in full support of the rain, in it’s battle to stop me.

“What should I do now?” A number of thoughts crossed my mind. The rain had slowed down my speed. But not my determination. Something from inside told me that I should move towards Harish’s office. Now, the visibility was almost zero. I went on; blinking my eyes and struggling to keep them open against the prodding water droplets.

Riding through the showers, I reached near the dock where I had to catch a ferry boat, to cross the other side of the river, on the way. As I was approaching near the dock, I saw that the ferry was just starting to leave. I sped towards the dock. But little did I know that even luck was on the other side of the battle. Just when I was about to reach the dock, the ferry had left the banks. I had missed it.

“What do I do now???????” I thought again. I was tempted to text a message to Harish that I couldn’t make it due to heavy rain. Should I do that and just get out of all this? I had committed that I’ll be at his office at 5:40. But I had missed the ferry. With mixed feelings, I got down from my bike and took shelter under a small shade. I started staring at the other side of the bank. To my delight, I saw another ferry boat coming towards the dock. I was relieved. Luck was not entirely on the other side after all!

As soon as the next ferry reached the dock, I zoomed my bike and parked it inside and straight away went on top, to the cabin of the ferry operator and told him that I am getting late for some urgent work. I was a regular commuter and the operator kind of knew me. So he understood and willingly agreed to start the ferry 5 minuites earlier across the other side. I thanked him, started my bike and as soon as the ferry touched the other side I picked up speed to make up for the lost time.

Riding through the narrow lanes I reached the highway. Riding a bike in such heavy rains with almost zero visibility, bad weather conditions and my speed getting high – I was almost inviting an accident.

My mind was still thinking. I started remembering GOD. That moment, I began to think, “What am I doing???? Where am I going???? Is this really important and worth a risk?????? Should I stop?????” But again, the inner voice told me that its my test. I should not give up. I should pass it. With this sole motive and with GOD’S GRACE I reached at Harish’s office, where I found him waiting for me.

He told me that I am on exact time. “Really?” I replied in amazement, as I was unable to gauge time at that moment. I then started narrating my journey from college to his office. He explained me like an elderly person not to take such risks next time as toastmaster’s is not beyond life. But I replied that it was my desire to stay true to my commitment that led me to do this.

It was 6:30pm we reached at the venue. I was about to give my first public speech (before this day, public speaking was a nightmare for me because of my stammer. I would bunk classes to avoid public speech or presentations). Before entering the hall, my old thoughts started haunting my mind like avoidance or running away. But I remembered the hardships which I had gone through today on my way here. This helped me at that moment to ‘face my fear’.

We entered the hall. The president of toastmasters welcomed the guest. Then she asked for our introduction. And guess what????? This time my heart beats didn’t beat fast. I was normal. I stood up and gave my intro (I did not stammer this time while saying my name).

Then the proceedings of club started. There was one person as toastmasters of the day, one timer, one grammarian, and some evaluators, etc. One of the toastmasters delivered her first speech that day. Then the table topic round started where a story telling session was held. Despite of all my fears associated with speech, I was seating in a public speaking club, and enjoying the activities there.

Then while leaving the venue, the president told me and Harish that we both had done very well. She said that Harish just missed being the table topic winner by ranking second (proud of you Harish). She even told us that she had a mentor in Kuwait who was also a PWS. I could feel the pride in her eyes as she said “He was my mentor, and stammering did not bother him”.

While on our way back, we both were satisfied by attending the toastmasters meet as we could learn lot of things, and in spite of unfavorable weather conditions. (While in the meet, one toastmaster even praised us for attending their meeting in spite of such heavy rains). I even overcome my fear of public speech and was satisfied for the day that even though I had to face a lot of hardships on my way, I had finally done it.

This experience has given me an opportunity to learn more things, face the fear, don’t give up during your hard times, and finally it has increased my faith in GOD. It has given me courage and self confidence.

Today as I write this post I feel confident that my determination and courage to take up a committed task will help me to overcome any problems in life.

- Rahul Raut Desai, Goa SHG

PS : Special thanks to Harish Usgaonker and Dr. Sachin Srivastava and The Indian Stammering Association for being part of my life. Because of my stammering I could see and live this day.
I would also like to praise Harish Usgaonker for his commitment and courage in attending toastmasters meeting and driving his car through those ugly weather conditions.

Impossible... Is Nothing

Recently, I performed a mimicry item during the annual day function of my company. This was my first stage performance, and to my delight, I won the “Best Individual Performance” prize for this. A few years (even months) ago, I thought public speaking or performances for me were “IMPOSSIBLE”. Joining TISA has helped me achieve this so called “impossible” feat. I owe it to everybody in the TISA family. This is the wonderful beginning of a new and long journey ahead! Below is a snap-shot of my stage performance-

Bird in the Cage

Years ago, during my college days, I was in a phase where my stammering ‘iceberg’ was growing deep down… Acceptance was unknown then. And writing did give me a vent. But writing about stammering upfront? That was something I couldn’t have ever imagined that time. So, I decided to pen down a poem, which symbolizes “Stammering” and the difficulties a PWS has to go through. I would like to share the same poem to all my friends here. The poem is titled : “Bird in the Cage”.

Far away from me

With its arms open wide,

I see the sky

And the sun alongside,

The golden leaves

Dance with the winds,

And the flowers watching

Like the royal kings

“This is your life,”

Say the trees giving a sigh,

“You are born to fly, you are born to fly”

My fellow beings

Hum the tunes of life,

They share the happiness

And the fruits, Oh! So ripe.

“Tell me how it feels,”

“to be free?”, I plead…

Like I don’t exist,

They pay no heed,

There’s nothing but my heart,

To hear me cry,

“I too want to fly, I too want to fly”

With my weak little beak,

I stab so hard

To break open

The strong iron guard,

I flap my wings

Faster than last time,

Only to see

My feathers fall in the slime,

The crow on the windowpane

Mocks all the hours,

“You are caged in bars, you are caged in bars”

Tough may be these bars,

I can’t sever them apart,

But listen all you fellows,

I don’t loose heart.

Look at me not,

With those usual sorry eyes,

I am one like you,

So very beautiful, so very nice.

Being a bird, I always dream high,

“A day will come, when I will fly, I will fly”

I Performed a Mimicry Item

Today (12th Dec) was the annual picnic of our company. The event was held at a beach resort in Goa. But why am I talking about this here ? It's because of one incident that I experienced here today, which I would like to share.

The first thing good about this picnic was, I was the part of the organizing committee, and I was among the committee which organized games. This was the first time I was a part of organizing any event. And it went all well... But that's not the only thing I want to tell.

Today, at the picnic, there were around 70 to 80 people attending, that included the company employees, their spouses and kids and a few management people from our US and France offices. In front of such a big crowd, I performed a mimicry item.... and also won a prize for it. A performance infront of 80 people - was something I thought was impossible with me a few years back, happened today. Being in the organizing committee I had shown my willingness to perform a mimicry item. This may be the result of the feel-good factor the acceptance gave me lately. It could also be because of my constant urge to push myself out of my shell, to fight my long standing battle. But when the comperer announced my item, I was not scared, but was a bit apprehensive. I held the microphone in the hand, and faced the crowd. A stage fright is something which i always had. And today I was facing my fear for the first time. There were round about 80 pairs of eyes - that makes it around 160 eyes looking at me. But yet I got started. I could hear my own words echo from the microphone. The stammering came... But I could manage it. For the audience, it didnt looked like stammering. I performed mimicry of 5 bollywood actors, and also had to do a bit of talking in between. And when the item was over, the sound of applause was the best sound I had ever heard in all these years.

Later I got a prize for my item, and it felt really great - to win a prize for a mimicry (related to speech) , being a part of a battle called stammering (also related to speech).

The praises from my bosses from US and Goa office, that they never knew I had this talent, and that it was a great performance, only added to my happiness. This was one talent I had which I always wanted to show right from my college days, but didn't. Because I had locked myself in a cage.

I just want to pass a message... It is indeed very true that, if you fear something, then you need to face your fear. When you do it, you come to know that what you fear for was actually - "NOTHING".

Please Do Ponder ...

Today, I am going to share an experience, which I have faced in the past too, and which I am sure many PWS's have faced in their lives at some juncture or the other. Today, I had to attend a freind's wedding. Wedding means lots of people to meet and to face. Though it doesnt scare me now, it sure keeps me in a different state of mind. A state wherein my mind is hypersensitive, and always ready to face people. It's like the mind putting an extra-effort subconsciously, towards fluency. And in such state, the stammering sometimes increases. And I stutter a few times, even at the situations where I dont usually stutter.

Today, In such a state of mind, I came across a friend (a girl), and as the conversation began, she asked me something. When I answered, for that moment, I had forgotten everything. And I spoke in a lot of haste. The speed of my speech delivery was so much that I could make out that I was not clear with what I was trying to convey. I knew I had gone wrong with my communication skills. And I wanted to bounce back... I wanted to correct my mistake. I wanted to say it again, and this time applying all the rules of fluency, which i know. But before I could do that, she nodded in agreement and said "OK". I was very much sure that I was not clear with
my words, and she didnt get my message. But still she reacted in a way as if she understood, which I see was her way to help me, comfort me or whatever.

This is one thing many non-stammerers often do with the stammerers. This, may however be in good taste, but I feel, it should still be included in the "Don't"s list for the non-stammerers. Just like it hurts when others complete our word for us, or when others make those crooked faces, this is another thing which is not good for the stammerers. In my opinion, what the non-stammering people should do is, if they find that the stammerer is not clear with his words, be patient and give him a chance to come back again. Or, ask him again politely to speak again. This will encourage the PWS to correct his mistakes and to produce fluent and clear speech when he talks. Reacting in such a way can really be disturbing and sometimes even can harm the morale.

I wanted to voice my opinion here, and see what other PWS think on this. I would be glad if other PWS share their viewpoints with respect to the issue I just discussed.

Many Faces

Stammering has many faces. I met some of these in a recent meeting - and discovered that I had been through most of these phases in the evolution of a problem which essentially is based on perception, reaction and anticipation. For example there was X from Gwalior, in his thirties. Fluent -but too intense. His adjectives, metaphors and body language- were out to impress the world in a cold blooded fashion. If he wanted to say- food is good, he would rather say: The food is terrific, simply a-amazing- never h-had anything like this.

Similarly, if he had to denounce anything, simple expression of disapproval was not enough! There was considerable emotion in his speech and body language. In fact, his entire energy made some of us uncomfortable. He is a ‘recovered’ PWS and is bent upon proving this fact to every audience he can lay his hands on.. I am not a shrink, but I guess sitting quiet (or meditation) will certainly help him- and his communication style. We all know, this great and deep urge to communicate- which, when frustrated for a long time, becomes an irrepressible drive.. But man must be in control of all drives, including this.. in order to communicate better!

Then, there was Y from Delhi: Like a child with great wonder in his eyes. He had never met another PWS. He couldn’t believe that there were madcaps on this planet, who stammered and talked about st-st-stammering in a large group. What is this madness? His mind kept asking again and again. There was this young girl too, form Ghaziabad, who wondered how could people turn their most disliked quality into something like an asset, to talk about ad-infinitum! They also had a sense of regret: I wish, I had known this years ago! Yes, we repress our thoughts about our stammering, convinced that there is no help. But one day, when you find that the help is there, many years have passed and you do regret that fact.

Then, there was Z from Gurgaon, fluent but talking as if he were walking on a parapet 100 feet above the ground. We all know that feeling- Not stammering but constantly anticipating doom (stutter). In our fear, we keep adding one fluent word after another- as if we are postponing that inevitable moment of a bad bad block! Neither Z not his audience was truly relaxed. In retrospect, it would have been so much better both for Z and his audience, had he stammered a little!

Then, there was K from Kalka: he too is OK but he cannot understand why we are so het up about stammering. Is stammering an issue? Certainly not. He conquered it years ago. But since then, he is also trying to forget it (a paradox). So, he comes as a one man army to demolish this new fashion of starting self help group for stammering. Deep down, he knows the demon because he has wrestled with it himslef. But in public, he must trivialize the whole issue.

Then, there is this young man from Gorakhpur: he is not worried so much by his daily misery of communication, finding friends, jobs etc. He is more pained by his mother and father's sorrow on his account; their reaction to his problems. The harder he tries to assuage their feelings, the more he tenses up- the more he stammers- and the worse he feels about everything. Life seems so unfair, so hard. He wonders if this roomful of PWS can truly solve his problem..Can they?

Then, there was P from Chakrata: No he does not stammer. He doesn’t understand it. But he does know discrimination. Years ago in school, whenever he would sit at the dining table, other kids would melt away. Why? Because, his father worked as a peon in the same school. Once, as a child, he even told his father- why dont you go and find work somewhere else? He remembers his father’s weak smile with pain now. He is doing a study on communication disorders, so he attended this stammering meet.

There were a couple of Stuttering consultants also! After stuttering for years, they get a chakra awakening and then they write a couple of books- on the back of which they self-advertise their stammering, without any compunction. Over night they set themselves up as professional stutterers! I am told that they are in great demand in International conferences!

(This is supposed to be a funny piece. No offense meant to sachin and others!)

Prem is getting Married!!

Prem represented us at Croatia International meet, some years ago. Good news: he is getting married on 5th Feb 2009. TISA family wishes him and his bride all the happiness in life..
Feel free to wish him at 09291661129.