The Job

It is just the day, a couple of months ago, that I used to see 7 o’clock only once in a day (not surprisingly, in the evening) but these days the pleasure of the clock has been doubled as I see the same 7 o’clock mark twice (I mean I always try to, but can’t let the “Clock” take all the pleasure and that too everyday). The mornings were the part of the day which my eyes were not supposed to see.  

It is just the day, a couple of months ago, that I never used to know the answer of one Specific Question “Beta!! What day it is??” Or say  “What is the Date”. My answers were ummmm ahhhhh “Shayad Wednesday ho sakta hai, ya Friday hoga, ya ummmmm Pata Nahi !!”. Dates were only important when I used to eat it otherwise it was like “Kya Fark Padta hai??” but these days, I guess the Calendar would be much more fortunate to know that it has a +1 on his “Fans List” who keeps looking at it atleast twice a Day.

It is just the day, a couple of months ago, that work was interpreted as Playing Basketball, watching movies and going out with friends and would not yield anything except a “Good Night” sleep but these days it has been, making yourself available to a group of people from 9 am to 6 pm yielding an addition of four figure salary (at the end of 30 days) in your bank account but still fails to give you a “Good Night” sleep. 

These days I have been in a “Job”. For most of the people in a crowd it is the happiest aspect in their life but unfortunately for a Stutterer it is the most “Scariest” one. The basic scare starts off when he is looking for a job and even after a lot of doings and undoing’s if a gets one on his abilities (like I got), the scare starts eating him from inside that What will happen if somebody asks me something?? What will happen if I miss a client due to my stuttering?? What if, I have to respond to my boss?? What if, I have to ask him for a leave?? What if, I get stuck in front of my subordinates?? What if, people start making fun of me?? What if people don’t take me seriously?? What if, I mess the job??

So these are the “What Ifs“ that normally a stutterer goes through when he/she is working, and as I m a stutterer too I also felt the same. Those “Ifs and buts” were present there for me too and were making collisions in my head asking me, what will I do if so and so happens? I believe these are the questions created by our “Very Conscious” stuttering brain that never wants us to feel that we are normal people. We (or I should prefer I) have spent so much of time stuttering in our life that we can’t think about anything else that is not associated with it.

The day I joined the job, for a couple of weeks I was so carried away in these thoughts that I never knew what I was supposed to do in the company and was mostly sitting and pondering about unnecessary things(like these “What Ifs”). This made my life at work boring and monotonous. One thing that helped me was: an year ago, I learnt a very important lesson in my life, that if u Accept and start Living your “Stuttering” that is the moment it no longer remains a Fear for you, it just becomes a part of your life and it will be that part of your life on which, if you look down the road you won’t feel the thorns of not being able to speak fluently but will feel the joy of living it and that too with a big Smile on your face.

Since I started keeping myself focused on job rather than stuttering, those “Ifs” don’t cross my mind now and even if I get stuck at some point I never feel embarrassed nor i am clueless about what to do, I either stop and restarts from where I left or I continue with the block. It is comparatively easy to stop while you are in a block and restart with what you were saying but continuing with the block is the difficult part. I prefer to do the latter one because later on I get to realise that what kind of faces I was making while I was in the block which makes me keep it in notice that I don’t make it again and sometimes I even smile looking in the mirror by making those same expressions again.

So, Life is as it is you make it. It depends on the person what choices does he make and I chose to be happy.