April 12, 2016

Online counseling..

I received a very relevant question from a young pws. After removing the names etc. I am sharing the answer here, because it may be of some use to many others:

Question
Dear sir, 
I want to ask you something. The story goes like this. I always wanted someone to stay with me. So as far as I remember I have also been behind making gf. I always had heart beaks. I was in relationship with a girl for last 14 months. Recently we broke up Cz she did something which hurt me and in anger I said something very personal to her. Like every other girl in the end she made fun of my stammering and my current salary status. We broke up last month. Since then.. I am stammering a lot. I am practicing speech practice as suggested by xyz. I used to be very good. But since last few weeks I am unable to speak like I used to. I am stammering a lot.  Dont know why I always need someone to be with me. And i get angry a lot and in anger if someone provokes me then i say something which I later regret.. I am full of guilt. I am an under achiever as far as my current job is carrying concerned. I have just realised that I have ruined my all technical knowledge by running after gf. Is there any way out sir to stop wanting someone to be with me always and to control my anger.. I don't have any best friend. Just normal friends. Thats why I am writing to you sir. 
Thanks!! 
Yours Sincerely, 

Answer:
Dear Friend
Congratulations for having the courage to share your private thoughts with me- a stranger! 
Congrats again, for having deep insights into your own inner world, into your thoughts and "failings". 
At the very outset, let me say that wanting human company (= gf/bf etc.) is perfectly normal. THIS is our human nature. Nothing wrong. Let us accept it in the same way as we accept our stammering. 

There are couple of other things which we need to accept and acknowledge: We all have some or other "weaknesses" or "blind spots" or "blemishes". Let us also accept that when we are very angry (real MAD), we may throw up these issues in the face of the other person (You stammer; you are fat; etc.) 
- AND regret later on. ..

This too is human. She talked about your stammering unkindly at the end. And what did you say to her in your anger? Something equally bad or worse? How fair was that?
If someone makes fun of your stammering, it can not hurt, if you have accepted it in an upfront manner. If a relationship is based on "denial" ("I will never talk about your stammering and you will never remind me about "dieting"), then, it is quite possible that in an unguarded moment, both parties may break that understanding and hurt each other. That is what seems to have happened here. Forgive and move on. 

I am really happy that you are doing speech practice. I will be happier if you did it with the goal of becoming a good communicator - NOT to stop stammering. Once in a while everyone stammers. It is OK. The goal is to pick yourself up and carry on saying what you want to say- so that meaning is understood by others. 

At this point, I can totally understand that you are feeling low and "worthless". But, please dont judge yourself and your achievements at this point, in this manner. Give your self time. Ask your friends. They can tell you that you do have some inner worth and quite a few milestones behind you - I am sure. 

Regarding managing your anger, there are plenty of free resources on web. Read and PRACTICE them. Regular Meditation is supposed to be a big help. Check that out. Sometime anger can also be, a sign of unresolved issue or inner tensions like constant denial of stammering. In such cases, just accepting that sometime you will stammer and you are OK with it- might help you to become a calmer person. 

Lastly, I am sure you did not really mean it as a generalization, when you wrote: Like every other girl in the end..
The next girl you meet may not do the same thing. People are different. You too can be different from what you have been so far. The choice is always with you. Give others and yourself a chance.. by trusting them and yourself. 

Of course, you should not rush into next relationship out of desperation or "on the rebound". Give yourself time. Wait. Be social. Spend time on other projects in life, too. Get in touch with old friends, old hobbies. Go for a little holiday in nature. Join a MOOC.
And keep in touch.

Best wishes and prayers!
(You have many many many friends in TISA!)

4 comments:

Suraj Kumar said...

Wonderful Advice! Sachin Sir

I will share it among our friends in Delhi SHG

ANAND KUMAR said...

सर कृपया कुछ हिंदी में भी कुछ शेयर करने की कृपा करे । इंग्लिश कुछ लोगो को बिलकुल भी समझ नही आती है

Vikas Ranga said...

nice, very useful

Mohit Jaiswal said...

Really helpful advice Sir. :)