February 25, 2016

My Sudden relapse

I have been a regular member of SHG for a while now (6-7 months) and things couldn't have been better. With Bangalore SHG, I have explored new horizon of my speech which I didn't realize ever existed. I gave my first ever speech in life (last December), recited poetry in front of at least 20 people (for which I even received first prize), asked questions in the meetings, some of the times even answered few of them with full confidence. But as it happens to all good things, it ended too. I relapsed.

          It’s already been a month now, since I relapsed. The first time I had such realization of relapsing was, when I failed to order something in a shop and continued my misery by pointing towards the item to buy it. From that incident to another one, and then to another one it went bad to worse. Like the time when I failed to tell my room number in a hotel or when I wasn't able to tell my address to a cabbie, it went spiralling worse day by day.

                                                                      While all of this was happening, I was a little annoyed, a little tensed with a major drop in my confidence. I wasn't able to understand, why it has resurfaced again. The kind of confused introvert I am, added to my worries. I couldn't help but think about it over and over again and the more I thought about it, the worse were the outcomes. So, when left with no other option but to share what I was going through, I finally shared it in SHG Bangalore WhatsApp group. A lovely group that it is, almost everyone tried helping me in their capacity. It would be an exaggeration if I say, I was out of my relapse after doing that. But yes, to some extent, it helped me. It helped me in understanding that it is one of those highs and lows of life (read stammering) which are inevitable. Nobody can claim to be happy all his life. There are ups and down and there are minor deviations. We should not over-think  such set backs but move on.

                                          If I look backwards and see what was troubling me, I understand that, I was not able to comprehend that feeling of going a step backwards in improving my speech. I was just not prepared to take a step back. But, does anything in life work that way? No! Nothing works that way. Life isn't that simple and no goal is reached in a one-time effort. We fall and we get up, as many times, until the goal is reached. That is how it works for stammering too. We improve upon our speech every time we relapse and we continue doing the same till the goal is reached.

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Mohit Jaiswal


harikrishnaraj said...

rise up like a pheonix bird.....

sachin said...

Fluency is very attractive. Once we taste it - we fall in love- and we refuse to stammer even a little bit. And when we refuse to stammer even a little bit- the PROBLEM begins. Because normal speech is NOT designed to be PERFECT. So, we refuse to speak as well as stammer. Everything comes to a grinding halt.
Answer: be human. Accept a lttle human-ness in yourself and others.

sachin said...

*Fluency is very attractive- to a pws.
Others dont care.
(Others try and excel at COMMUNICATION..)
This deep attraction (for unattianbale) becomes her/his stumbling block for the rest of life.. unfortunately.


Mohit Jaiswal said...

I understand your point Sir. Thank you for guiding me again. :) I was really illusioned by the fallacy of fluency and was really adamant on not stammering. I guess, that was the reason it went bad to worse.

Sudheendran A said...

This is where acceptance plays a big role. When we taste success (in this case speaking fluently), we forget everything about acceptance and goes back to the old way of cursing stammering when we face a relapse. Hope you accepted relapse as a part of life. In fact the writer of this post also faced this and realized this the hard way.

Mohit Jaiswal said...

I am the writer to this post sudheer. ;)

Sudheendran A said...

I meant writer of the comment. Sorry for the mistake.

Suraj Kumar said...

Mohit Bhai ! Rise up Once Again !

Mansi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mansi said...

MOhit...very nice write up..

i must tell you, i also went through similar situation/s. Since last year may i came across too many failures with respect to giving talks at my workplace. I was in a bad phase emotionally and it was affecting other facets of my life as well. After i shared it out in last SHG meeting, i felt better instantly.

It is good that you didnt cook things up in ur mind for a very long time and shared it on time.

Like everyone told me in last SHG meeting, don't be so hard on yourself. Accept your imperfections, only then you will work harder and harder..

Good luck!!

Mohit Jaiswal said...

Thank you Mansi :)

sachin said...

Mohit, check this: