August 30, 2014

A matter of life and death...?

Hi All,
           My name is Anupam Saxena and i am from Lucknow. I am Twenty-six years of age and i have been stammering since i rememeber myself. It is a problem or peculiar situation with which i have romanced enough. I can call it my better-half. I remember some inicidents of my childhood of say 3-4 years old to very recent one's where stammering has brought discomfort within me.

It is a situation where you are socially observed and the innate desire of a person to be known as a genuine person appears to be not getting unfilled.

He or she thinks that people dont respect him/her. They are not very keen to talk to you or listen to what you say. This is what you think. You also tend to think that stuttering is something which is due to deep physcological issues and tend to think that your wrong thoughts and unethical nature is responsible for this. While all people around us have issues with physce do all of them stammer. No. when practise being righteous is needed , one's guilt of other factors should not be the reason of worry.

I used to get afraid of people whne in social gathering in marriages when gathering is large.

I consulted a speechotherapist in lucknow and he made realize that the breathing is the source of speech. And i used to stop breathing while i was speaking some times , or when under stress in class in front of group of officers.

I remember avoiding speaking good morning to the Interview Board Members in Airforce Selection Board. I did not speak good morning to the Deputy President ( Colonel Rank)  who took my interview , although after that i spoke with him normally. (He came of the view that i was not a very outgoing person and i dont mix and go along with people)
I remember i was able to give lectturate very well but when it came to my personal introduction i couldnot manage.

For my improvement i started talking in front of mirror, writing a speach , some points as we do before extempore . I used to speak in front of my mother and brother. Then my father and my grandmother. Then i started to take chances in fron tof my class , my friends. But still eben  if i could give speeches in front of the crowd , i would not be able to give my name , or it was the fear which has become a part of the thought/ or that fear which grippled people with stammering used to grippled me.
 But what was that fear all about i was not about to die , it was not going thorugh a test. I was neither going thorugh a life or death situation. It was just a class reading when i used to sweat . I was very afraid, my heart beated very hard, when i left school due to some reason this improved. I was not able to give introduction in the class . I Stammered in front of the people didnot know what to do.Other than that i front of friend i stammered relatively less.I remembered difficulty in taking the name of my college Saroj Institute of Technology and Management when anyone asked.

I stammered in 2011 Diwali visit to Lucknow when i went to the Electrical shop when he asked me in which college i studied. I remember stuttering when i went with my cousin to buy medicines with her. I also remember telling my name Karan to a person whom my uncle knew.

This being my first post is little confusing in chronology terms , i will keep i much better henceforth. Kindly accept it.
Thanks,
Anupam Saxena
Bangalore
+91 888499947

2 comments:

abhishek said...

Good post...there are certain experiences which are common to all PWS irrespective of space and time. Do keep sharing.

Harish Usgaonker said...

Congratulations Anupam for beginning this wonderful journey of acceptance and sharing.

I agree with you when you said that people perceive us to be introvert, snobs or proud people sometimes because of our reluctance to talk. I also experienced the same. Sometimes, just a small "Hi" or "Good Morning" with a smile makes a huge difference.

Keep sharing your thoughts... Looking forward to more of your posts.