January 1, 2014

Seven months of Acceptance-a review

 It has been nearly seven months since I first met Sachin Sir at Herbertpur.I had emailed him that I was out of  sync with my speech.He advised me to come and meet him.I met him on a Sunday.I had the benefit of his company for almost whole day and my journey towards acceptance began.       

          I would like to confess that I have never stammered so much as I stammered in the last seven months.

In fact, I used to be a pseudo-covert stammerer. I seldom stammered with my friends or close family members.I went into block with strangers,during interviews,while reading in classroom.

          I always made every attempt to stop the moment stammering started. But now things have changed, and changed drastically . In the words of Sachin Sir "जैसे गंगा नदी में कोई बाँध थी और वो बाँध अब टूट गयी है.". I stammer more because I have started speaking more.I do not try to hide stammer.
          I have accepted Sachin Sir's saying "हकला नहीं हकलायेगा तो और कौन हकलायेगा?"

So what has changed in my life in the last seven months??

          Even when I stammer very severely at times and later recall the incident, I do not feel as bad as I used to feel earlier. I can also recall what was actually happening at that instant. For example: I was using helping words; I was looking down towards floor so that people wont see my distorted facial expressions; I was not taking breath-there was no air in my lungs but I was trying to force out the words...

        After stammering so openly and in front of virtually everyone- boys, men, women, girls, kids,seniors, juniors... , I realised that my job is safe! No one can take away my job due to stammering. This was the biggest fear in my mind the moment I got my job- how would I talk ? Now I realise that people appreciate the good qualities in me , my knowledge of my field,my sincerity towards the job at hand. My co-workers are ready to give a few extra minutes to listen to me. (Even when they are in a hurry and try to finish my sentence, I repeat the sentence again and say the words I had intended to say!!)

        So I have realized that its ok to be stammerer and do a decent job. I can do well in my job. I don't have to be a fluent speaker and no one can throw me out of my job just because I stammer.(Unless of course I am in a critical post such as Air Traffic Control and my going into a block may lead to an accident!)

        Earlier when I met a PWS , I used to avoid him/her. Now I feel happy meeting a PWS.
Earlier when I used to watch a PWS character in a movie,I used to feel embarassed. But now I don't feel so.

        I still use substitute for difficult words, I still avoid difficult speaking situations. But I am more aware of what I am doing now and the frequency of avoidance is less.I rather try to stammer openly than to hide it.Sometimes intended bouncing turns into full fledged stammering.And I don't curse myself for stammering any more.

         I have not fixed any time frame for myself to transcend stammering. Let future reveal itself.I would like to stick to the core values of bouncing, prolongation, acceptance, meditation etc.

        Sachin Sir had once written that stammering is like a bog . You can choose to come out of it in any way which suits you. Earlier I used to avoid the bog of stammering by not speaking at all , or speaking only a few words. Now I have waded neck-deep inside this bog- and I am loving it:)


Unknown said...

Nice comment abhishek.i am also working on acceptance because from few days when my stammering begain i try to hide it and suddenly stop communicating now i will try to openly stammer.

Manimaran said...

Excellent Abhishek. Your writing skill is wonderful. Go forward. All the best.

Satyendra said...

Thanks Abhishek! It must have taken some courage to speak the truth, as you see it and live it- day by day. I think, this TRUTH, is the biggest contribution, gift, anyone could have given to this community..
This community is a community of practitioners- who are experimenting with various self-help ideas and sharing it for the benefit of others.
I wish you all the best on this path of adventure and thank you again from the bottom of my heart..